Today is the 9th December 2009 .

Ever since that Zouk clubbing with forum friends, one of the guy has been treating me real nice . Yeah yeah, he likes me . Daily quotes to motivate me, good morning texts that i received on my phone even before i wake up, good night calls that i answered . He said my voice is his daily lullaby, says i'm pretty and always chat me up on MSN . He knew i'm married the second time we met, nevertheless, his heart tells him to do what he wants to make me happy .

I was at the esplanade library studying since 11am till 5pm . He came to the library with a muffin in his hands, wanted to surprise me . He came in, i was packing, ready to head off, didn't met him either . I only realized he's there to surprise me after i left and received the text . Head to level 1 and saw the balloon writing stuffs - write your wish on the balloon and they'll float them on the waterfront near the Merlion . I wrote my thoughts, stood up, and saw him sitting at the sofa behind me, waiting . I turned and walked away .

I freaked out .

Every girl wants to be well liked, guys holding flowers up to them . Who doesn't wanna be liked ? Today, romance caught up with me and gave me a pat on my shoulder . Until this day, i never thought romance is one thing i'll be afraid of . I always asked myself, where's my romance ? Why doesn't my husband send me 99 roses and bring me to high class restaurants for dinner ? All i get so far is a bouquet of 3 roses wrapped in paper with a stainless steel necklace for my birthday, or perhaps you wanna count in the lilies i held on my wedding day .

I realized i'm afraid of romance, so afraid i don't wish to ever receive it again . It's a direct link to the past i had . That past that had long been tattoo-ed down in my memory chart . I'd rather not have even one rose, than to have a normal bouquet of rose .

Being romantic, is horrible, because if you can't do it well, just scrap the idea, especially if you're someone without the romantic element in you . I don't know how i should put it in words to describe but i really seem scared of it .

Always remember this, especially my husband : for those things you wanna do for me, proposal or whatever date any surprise or whatsoever similar, please . . . if you can't do it 101% perfect, don't ever think about doing it . Perfect or nothing at all .

So back here about today, after i ran away, i splashed a chilling pail of water down his heart . I totally asked him to stop wasting his time on me . I had to . . . . and i felt totally guilty, for i am his first crush ever, he said i'm his first love, but i prefer it to be a crush .

I still am . . . guilty . Anyway, i know this post makes no sense at all, because i don't even know what i'm trying to write here .

For this guilt, i cleared an obstacle to save my marriage . How much test does god wants to put on me ? I tried hard, but they seem endless .